It's been a while since I made an entry into my new diary, this being only my second page. I really thought I would be feeling the effects of my illness more by now but nothing much appears to have changed. Physically I feel well and able, mentally however is a different story.
I used to cut myself a little as a kid and I appear to have started that up again. My arms are full of healing scars and I am enjoying watching my blood roll down my arms as I cut them with the razorblade. I seem to get some kind of morbid satisfaction from doing it. I have said to myself though that I wont do it again but we shall see, it's not something I have much control over really and my mental state of health is deteriorating faster than my physical state.
My doctor says the first signs will be headaches and nausea, once these have kicked in I will realise the full extent of my illness. It's hard to believe I have a year left to live. It sounds like nothing at all. In 12 months time I will be dead.
I'm already dead.
It's been 7 days now since I died. I wonder how it feels. I should know really seeing as I am dead but I suppose there really is just nothing. I'm not a god person so I have no dreams of a new life in the heavens. Ashes to ashes so they say. I wonder - am I buried or am I burned? I wonder that they said on my headstone. I wonder who cried, who misses me.
I'm going to buy a bottle of vodka. Accelerated death.
I will try and write a little more often. Sometimes a few times a day. These diaries are to be posted in order though so If I do not write for a week please accept my apologies.
Have a great living day. Fuckers.
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